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OPINIONS: Fortune Cookies, Curly Light Bulbs, Men In Skinny Jeans, MORE!

OPINIONS is a new series on YMR where I ask YOU what topics or prompts you wouldn’t MIND hearing my opinion on and I ..uhh..give my opinion.  Some topics will get blog posts of their own.  Some topics will cause me to request a reply or rebuttal from the original topic-asker.  And some will end up with the  OPINION post as seen below:

As per Matthew Griffin, my opinion on FORTUNE COOKIES:


Did you know that there are a ton of rules regarding fortune cookies?  Once I was at dinner with some friends and my friend cracked open a fortune cookie had no fortune in it.  Because I am a morbid creep, I told my friend “I’ll miss you when you’re gone. Do you want people to send flowers or set up some kind of memorial fund for you?” I learned – however! –to receive a barren cookie is actually a good luck sign rather than a notice of your impending death by MACK truck.  For more weird rules on fortune cookies, check this site out.  I found it by googling “What does it mean to get a cookie with no fortune?” – which may or may not be the title of my first collection of essays on my life.  Seriously.

As per Josh Green, my opinion on “WHETHER HE SHOULD WEAR SKINNY JEANS OR NOT?”


Jeggings. No.  Super Skinny Jeans. No.  A nicely cut tapered jean?  Absolutely would be worth testing out.  A regular cut jean that was taken to your local seamstress and tailored to look a little tapered and to best fit your body type?  Double yes.  I’m not suggesting any man squish his legs into some denim prison chamber – but investing in a nice pair of “going out” jeans that really fit should be on every man’s yearly retail to-do list.  PS.  Having your clothes tailored does *NOT* have to be expensive.  Ask for Mamaw’s rolodex and a suggestion for her best sewin’ buddy who had the best dressed boyfriend in college.  Yesterday is the new today, damn it.



The truth is… everytime I see or install a curly light bulb, I think about whether or not Pluto is a planet.  I think about seeing my boyfriend’s niece in her stroller the other night and holding up an Iphone to the cooing baby and saying “I wish you grew up and never had to know what this abhorrent technology is.”  The new curly light bulb disturbs me.  More than 5 teenagers have expressed their interested in “photography” to me lately and to my horror, I found out well-lit “selfies” are what they deem “photography.”   And I’d imagine each and every one of their teenage faces was illuminated with a curly bulb.  I shake my cane at curly bulbs on aesthetics alone.

If I was at Camp Anawanna with a Curly Light Bulb and a bunch of other Old School Light Bulbs, I’d totally be the bully that started the chant – LET’S GIVE CURLY A SWIRLY.  .. Okay I think I’m done here.


As for the difference and purpose of CFL bulbs vs LED bulbs vs lighting a fire in a trash can – I’m uneducated and if anyone reading this has true bulb knowledge, please email me (youngmarysrecord (at) gmail (dot) com) and lead me into the light.

As per Terry Jennings, WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR SOCKS?

I really am an open-minded sock buyer.  I think most women are. I think men tend to find a sock and stick with a sock.  I’ve bought socks all over this country – from major retailers to small American-run sockeries.  (Sockery is not to my knowledge a real thing and I just liked writing that sentence.)  Here’s some socks I really like, though:

american iconic sockscountry socks

hamburger socks spock socks Superhero-Cape-Socks



As I’ve gotten 60+ prompts, questions and suggestions on my first round of this — this will be the beginning.  If you enjoy my writing, please feel free to share my posts or just ignore that they ever existed.  And don’t just sit there, bust a LIKE!


Wanderlust Feature: Adventures In Eastern Kentucky


I was recently privileged to embark on a fun little road trip to the hills and hollers of Eastern Kentucky.  I broke out my cowboy boots and Jon broke out his excessively tall-brimmed cowboy hat.  Cowboy up.

The occasion for the trip was the Knott Country Trail Ride — where our dear friend Shooter Jennings was playing to a crowd of  – we heard – over 4,000 attendees on the top of a Knott County mountain.  One of my favorite part of Shooter’s set is when he sits down at the piano.  It’s a time when an artist does something on stage that is meant to bring a mounting (pun?) intimacy between the audience and themselves — and it actually works.  Whether you’re at the side of the stage or 50 feet away in the darkness of the crowd,  you feel like you’re with Shooter in his living room as he tinkers away on the ol’ ivories.  It’s just real and just good.


Post festivities, we shacked up at the beautiful cabin of  Wesley Fields – a Hazard, KY native that is wonderful and crazy — the type of crazy that comes from being too smart for your own good.  The type of crazy that is requirement to be friends with us.  It was late and dark and I didn’t entirely realize what a lovely, lovely home I was being hosted in until the next morning.  All I knew was there was a seemingly endless supply of Ale-8-One, an expansive collection of Kentucky Wildcat memorabilia, country music records, and that we got fed some meat.


When the morning (afternoon) — finally came, I crept outside in my sock feet.  It was bright, but wet and cool — from the night’s rain outside.  Perfect porch-sitting weather and a perfect porch.  Did I mention that Wesley built this all himself?  As it turns out, do-it-yourself gumption it still alive and well in Eastern Kentucky, y’all.


Perfect porch swing, as expected, on perfect porch.  It was so green that morning outside the cabin.  I wanted to swing and close my eyes and smell the outdoors.  I felt like a dang tree-huggin’ hippie.  Had I forgotten what nature was like?  Either way, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a wonderful feeling.


Wesley’s home – in addition to being beautifully built — was filled with so many lovely things.  He’s a collector and an old soul, like me — and his love for the tangible things of the past (and in turn their very important history) went straight to my heart.   There were horns over the entryway..


There was a Door Push — with the Kern’s Bread logo — one of my favorite things in the whole place…  They’re rare advertising pieces of the past — and the more obscure the brand on it, the more valuable.   So neat to see a Kern’s Bread one.


Inside, there was an entire cabinet filled with Ale-8-One memorabilia (and Wesley was kind enough to send us home with an Ale-8-One crate) — a case of knives, and numerous vintage curiosities and odds and ends at every corner..


.. like on this supporting beam — a perfect place for a cross and a bottle-opener..


…even Wesley’s cooler was all personality.  He’s a guy that puts who he is right there for you to see and this world could use a whole lot more of that.


Wesley, below : Kentucky cap, cane, and bathrobe.  Jon, below: excessively-tall and feathered cowboy hat that induces so much swagger you can’t remember what else he was wearing.  Awesome distressed couch.  The caption should so eloquently read:   “They do what they want, damn it.  Whenever they want to, damn it.”



REPOST: Lisa Sparxxx: She Just Lives Here


This article was originally published in a now-archived issue of Rise Over Run Magazine.  I interviewed Sparxxx over muffins at a cafe and also spent some time with her and her husband at some local bars.  She was witty and very fun to be around.   

Lately, I’ve noticed quite a bit of internet chatter regarding Sparxxx and her various porn accolades (read full article below) and her home in BGKY.  Some consider her a hometown hero, some consider her quite the opposite.   I just think — as I did years ago when this was first published — she just lives here.  Like the rest of us. 


When Lisa Sparxxx meets her cable man at the door with no make-up and sweats, the scene does not turn into some ravaging sex romp in the reflection of a flat-screen TV. The cableman is there to fix her cable.

And when Sparxxx visits the local Moe’s to get her burrito rolled, there is nothing exchanged between her and her waiter but the total and her choice of beans or rice. She is there to eat lunch.

Yes, she has sought awards for being the Hottest MILF, but when Sparxxx is playing Soccer Mom on the sideline here in Bowling Green, she is there to watch her daughter, to cheer her on. She’s a parent, too.

“It’s a persona,” Sparxxx says, referring to her down and dirty image in the adult industry. “I’m completely not like that in real life. People don’t understand that.” She has been a self-proclaimed “mattress actress” for 7 years, and has no thoughts of retiring just yet.

Having been in over 300 adult films, in a slew of high resolution photos, and even cartooned-up on the sites she and husband Jeff Sparxxx co-run to promote her porn and “dating” business ventures, Lisa holds a record worth touting in the porn world, as well. In 2004, she accomplished the daunting feat of sleeping with the world record most men in a day. That’s 919 men to be exact.

Lisa’s job is not only taboo for her duties, but also a little out of the ordinary for hours.

lisa sparxxx courtesy of jeff sparxxx

“Out of a whole year, I probably cumulatively work, when I’m actually shooting stuff, two months,” Lisa says. “And the rest of the time I’m on Myspace keeping the interest up. And of course, I’m a mommy. Does that count as job? I play Rock Band with my daughter.”

Lisa and Jeff’s daughter is 10 years old and according to Lisa, still grossed out by the idea of sex in general. But the couple has partially and honestly explained Lisa’s line of work to her because it was hard to take business calls and work out of their home and hide it from the stealthy, curious little girl.

“I said here’s the deal: I take pictures, you have to be 18 to see them, and sometimes I’m naked,” Lisa says. “And she said, ‘Okay.’ And that was enough for her. We try to joke with her and make it no big deal, because if you make it something bigger than it is, it will become something bigger than it is.”

“Lisa is my best friend,” Jeff says when asked about Lisa as a wife. “She is my love and my life. I would not be who I am without her.” He laughs, “Maybe I will get laid now with that answer.”

Husband Jeff is the third and final part of this family set-up. He and Lisa have been married for 14 years (prom-dates-turned-spouses), and for half of that time, Lisa has been in the porn industry. In fact, he encouraged her to get in the business and has both the stage name SPARXXX and the cartoon version of Lisa included in his full sleeve tattoos on both arms. He is the behind-the-scenes part of the pair and promotes her, keeps her name out there, and also keeps her ego intact, he says.

“When I am having a bad day on the business end, it is hard for Lisa and I to say this is not personal,” Jeff says. “It is business.”

He admits, “Some would think it would be because Lisa is too tired after work to have any fun with me. Well, I tease her anyway telling her she needs to take several showers beforehand.”

In fact, Jeff says that being married in the porn industry isn’t that uncommon. “85% of the people we know are married and we kind of have our own ‘sick and twisted hubby club’ when we are at signings with the girls.”

Lisa sparxxx 3

Lisa travels to signings and expositions during the year as well as to shoot films. And she reminisces about random run-ins with celebrities like Joey Fatone and CarrotTop, finding it weird that they recognize her as a celebrity of a different virtue. Through her friendship with uber-notable porn star Ron Jeremy, she also made an appearance on the Surreal Life. (Which was creatively edited to seem as if Lisa offered CHIPS star Erik Estrada a blow-job? Lisa swears it was out of context.)

She has occasionally asked friend Jennifer Johnson to join her during her adventures.

“I can’t bring myself to do it,” Johnson says. “I can see myself on set, pulling men off of her, and yelling, ‘Don’t do that, she just had her makeup done!’ and ‘She is a nice girl and her mom wouldn’t appreciate that at all.’”

Johnson met Lisa because of their husbands’ mutual acquaintance. She says that when asked if she could be friends with a porn star, she said if Lisa was nice and treated her well, then sure.

“We sat on the couch and made polite conversation. At one point she mentioned that she had just gotten back from shooting a bukkake,” Jennifer confesses. “I shook my head in acknowledgment and the conversation continued. Later in the car I had to ask my husband what a bukkake was. Wow, was I surprised.”

“It was me and Jenna Jameson that came in on the ground floor of the internet,” Lisa says. “Everyone asks how I’m so successful and its because I was the first one to realize that’s where its going to go.”

Lisa, Jeff and their daughter have been residing in Bowling Green for almost three years now and chose the city because of the safe environment and also to be close (but not too close) to Lisa’s mother in Larue County.

“My mom didn’t want me to live super-duper close. She knows what I do. She was like, ‘Everyone in town knows what you do,’” Lisa says. “She’s lived there her entire life; she still lives in the house I grew up in. She just assumes that people will stare at me.”

Two generations down, her daughter has had the same insecurities on occasion.

“She can tell the difference between if someone is staring at me because my boobs are hanging out or the way I’m dressed or if they actually recognize me,” Lisa says of her daughter. “She can see the distinction and she’ll say, ‘Mommmmm, I can’t take you anywhereeee.’”

lisa sparxxx 2

Lisa is recognized more often than you would think, even in Bowling Green. Her cable man questioned her repeatedly about whether or not they had gone to high school together or previously worked together; he knew he recognized her face from somewhere. He fixed her cable, because that was what he was there to do. Before he pulled away in the company truck, Lisa rushed out in her sweats and no make-up and gave him some free promotional stickers. What an epiphany that must have been.

Just like days after even her belly had forgotten about her Moe’s burrito, she received a Myspace message typed by the very hands that sour-creamed her food to say he was a big fan and too starstruck to say anything. She was there to eat lunch.

And all the other Soccer Moms know what Lisa does as well, and no problems yet. They are all there to watch the game.

This is how it works. Normal, everyday life with a hint of scandalous pornography every now and then. Just because she is recognized doesn’t mean she is also not recognized. And at the end of the day, Lisa Sparxxx goes home to her husband and daughter after work like any other working American. She goes to the gym and loves NASCAR, enjoys watching Sportscenter and nerds out for movie trivia. She eats, drinks, sleeps, parents, loves, and sometimes, she has sex. Just a bit more often (and most definitely for more pay) than the rest of us.

Wanderlust Feature: Amarillo, TX

A few days and a few hundred miles between dates left Jon and I with some “wandering” time on our last tour between Texas and Wyoming.  On our first off day, we made our way up to Amarillo, Texas.  I demanded we stay at the kitschy Big Texan Steak Ranch and he obliged me -as we’d been in standard chain hotels provided by venue owners for a few weeks.

We arrived fairly late at night — 1 or 2AM — due to a late start out of San Antonio, TX earlier after a serendipitous meeting over lunch with Hispanic Elvis (Post coming soon!). The room was well-appointed for the price point and included the Western details and decor one would expect in a hotel known as “The Big Texan.”   While I particularly liked the mural-sized Western scene on the wall behind our flat-screen TV; Jon particularly liked the swinging saloon doors that led to our toilet.


After one of the best rests I’d had in a couple months (due partially to exhaustion, but also to the extremely comfy beds at Big Texan — go ahead, check YELP reviews, many others agree with me!), we awoke, hauled our suitcases to the car, and took a look-see over the whole property before blundering around the Amarillo area.

We checked our their fleet of limousines.  Yes, if you fly into Amarillo, they’ll pick you up in style in one of these fine automobiles at the airport.

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We took this very neat-o “branded” sidewalk to the Big Texas’s restaurant and general touristy-haven next door. (Is this a Texan thing that I just was unaware of until now?)

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The restaurant/tourist hot spot next door had all the things you’d expect.  In addition to the steakhouse — which serves up a 72-oz steak challenge (you can view the rules: HERE) — there’s the usual suspects of a gigantic boot, gigantic rocking chair, maze, and other attractions that would lure any Route 66 tourist in like a moth to a flame.

I was a moth to the flame of the giant chair:

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Jon was a moth to the flame of the giant boot:

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We both enjoyed the gift shop area where I bought a Big Texas t-shirt and a postcard for my wrestling-aficionado friend Mike.  The postcard pictured a wrestler finishing the 72-oz steak challenge.  They also had these delightfully packaged hot sauces:

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Skipping the 72-oz steak and deciding to do some more adventuring before settling down with a meal, we next made our way to the iconic Route 66 tourist destination, Cadillac Ranch.   If you don’t me very well yet, you might not know how much of my heart is filled with love for America’s roadside destinations.

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For those unaware, here’s the Wiki info on Cadillac Ranch:

Cadillac Ranch is a public art installation and sculpture in Amarillo, Texas, U.S. It was created in 1974 by Chip Lord, Hudson Marquez and Doug Michels, who were a part of the art group Ant Farm. It consists of what were (when originally installed during 1974) either older running used or junkCadillac automobiles, representing a number of evolutions of the car line (most notably the birth and death of the defining feature of mid twentieth century Cadillacs; the tailfins) from 1949 to 1963, half-buried nose-first in the ground, at an angle corresponding to that of the Great Pyramid of Gizain Egypt.[1]

The more you know, eh?

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Admittedly, I loved this installation.  I really consider places and pilgrimages to places like this – with pride- so truly American.  And in the non-prideful way, I’d like to add that this was truly American in that the whole place was covered with trash.  Lots of it.  You see, as all folks who go to Cadillac Ranch are encouraged to add their own layer of graffiti to the cars– there were a LOT of remnants of empty spray paint cans, tops, and just general paper and trash.  Some Amarillo-area art-lovers should definitely work towards at least getting some serious trash cans set up nearby.


Yes, that’s me beaming with a pride and curious wonderment that can only be given to me by off-the-beaten path exploration.   And Cadillac Ranch wasn’t all that Amarillo had to offer.  Less than a couple miles from Cadillac Ranch on a flip-around to head back in to town, Jon spotted this sign.   We wandered down the road nearby to see if we’d find any more creepy signage or a creepy hotel set-up, but only found a regular-ass subdivision.  If you’re reading this and you have more info on this sign, or you MADE it — please drop me a line.  (EDIT: Some digging has made me aware that the artist who did Cadillac Ranch may have also made this sign, but unconfirmed.)

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Once back in town, we took one more stop at Jack Sisemore’s Traveland RV Museum.  You have to go through the main lobby of the RV sales office to get to it — but after a few confusing steps and asking a nice employee for help (who didn’t try to sell us an RV, I might add) — we made our way into a very nice building packed full of RV’s dating from 1936 on.  I’d rate this museum as fairly interesting for someone who loves Americana and travel and not interesting at all to someone who doesn’t care about either of those things.  Regardless, I dug it and very much respect the labor of love that Jack Sisemore obviously had for these recreational vehicles.

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I loved seeing the way Americans used to travel and of course – coveted most every RV in hopes that one day hard work turned into massive wealth would allow me one of my own.  Or two.  You can pop by and see what ‘Ol Jack has and the hours: HERE.

Amarillo came to a close with a lunch of BBQ that was just okay.  The service was excellent – the food was..meh.  I really do believe that old adage: “Meh food happens to good people.”

That area of Texas holds a lot of unlocked Route 66 hangs and haunts for me, so I’m sure this won’t be my last trip to that part of the country, or to Amarillo.  We didn’t even start exploring the nightlife (or lack thereof, which I mean as a good thing), but Jon and I saw some divy places with the proper signage and distressed appearance to contend of one of “our type of places”, e.g. small, full of oddballs and weirdos, with a jukebox and billiards, and booze.  Bonus: squishy comfy booths and a greasy spoon bar menu.

I tip my hat to you, Texas.  We shall meet again.

Government Cheese releases first record in 23 years : “The Late Show”


Sure, I say it some.  But I don’t say it all that often.  And I don’t say it with 100% certainty hardly ever.  But, Government Cheese should have been famous.  And I mean big time famous, too.

Admittedly, I’m coming into the fray a generation down and a few lightyears worth of house shows and debauchery away from the real time shows and debauchery that Government Cheese reigned supreme over.  But where I fail at bobbing my head along to the 1990s reality, I sure do have YouTube.  And I’m also a little embarrassed to admit how many times I’ve watched “Mamaw Drives The Bus” —

And I’ve visited this live video of their tune, “Fish Stick Day” from a 2011 reunion show in Nashville my fair share of times, too.

It’s great, isn’t it?  Are you imagining the mass amount of 90s excellence that could’ve been further produced if somebody had just lined the Cheese guys pockets with cash?  If I had these guys on my television set for easy consumption in the 90s, would I have even been impressed when Michael Stipe was going on about “Everybody Hurts” while wearing that dopey hat and wandering through traffic??  No, I would’ve been yelling at the screen – “MORE MAMAW! MORE FISHSTICKS! I WANT MY CHEESETV!”

Now, there is a silver lining.  Government Cheese is — 23 years after their last release – putting out a new album, “The Late Show” on April 1.  The band has already released a teaser clip of tunes, pre-orders are available, and new live dates are coming up on the books much to the delight of a very-engaged cult-like fanbase of “Cheeseheads.” (For some reason, I just whispered *must assimilate* to myself three times under my suddenly sharp cheddar-scented breath. Weird.)

Here’s the preview:

I know, I know.  It’s a painfully excellent teaser clip of tunes, right? You agree with my certainty that Government Cheese most definitely did not get what was due to them in exchange for their talent & creativity, don’t you?  Well, here’s what’s also certain:  The music business still won’t get it, still won’t care enough, and still won’t line anybody’s pockets with fat wads of cash. So, it’s up to fans and Cheeseheads to buy one or two copies of “The Late Show.”  (For example, I’m going to buy TWO – one for myself, and one to give away on the blog – so bust a LIKE, so you don’t miss that chance.)


And uh, it wouldn’t hurt if somebody who knows somebody would call Jack White’s people.  Get on the bullhorn to one of the Bens over there — Swank or Blackwell — I know (through light stalking and gentle fanaticism) that rare, brilliant (and somewhat obscure) bands like Government Cheese  are totally their jams.  Don’t we know Jack’s hairstylist?  The guy that cuts his wood beams at Lowe’s?  A guacamole master?   Whatever, fail us again music industrialists!

Cheeseheads (and future cheeseheads) unite.  We welcome “The Late Show” with open arms, as do all of these folks:

governmentcheesebw  governmentcheesedave governmentcheesejk governmentcheesekingjongun governmentcheeseputin

You can follow Government Cheese on Facebook: HERE to keep up with all their details.

You can find other pertinent info on ordering the album and seeing the gang live on their official website: HERE.






Josh Morningstar woos crowd with Country Music Anthem

joshmorningstarMaryland singer/songwriter Josh Morningstar has been joining Shooter Jennings and the Waymore’s Outlaws on tour since January.  Opening to  diverse crowds of personalities ranging from surly pirate-types to gentle farmers to complete psychos, being the unknown that starts the show can be pretty brutal.

Luckily, Morningstar has had the chops (literally and figuratively) to handle the pressure thus far.

Here’s a live video he posted today of “Stop Fucking Up Country Music”  —

To follow Josh and keep up with his music and musics, please visit him on Twitter:  HERE and on Facebook: HERE.

They Ask If They Exist


They Ask if They Exist

They bite into an apple,

a little black seed slips

into the gap in their front teeth:

a distraction from their lips.

And their instinct is to spit?

It filled that space, a curtain

their tongue and throat won

Dignity that genetics did not allow.

And I say That’s how!

You must exist-

if an apple thought your mouth

was red enough to kiss.



They bark into a puppy’s face

to teach it not to yap.

The puppy tucks its tail

and crawls up in their lap,

it sniffs the crumpled lines of their pants.

all snorting with its snout, reads:

Puppy doesn’t know how to ouch, now.

Puppy doesn’t know how to grouch, now.

And I say The Existence you Wield!

You must be real-

you can do what the puppy does just once

and make it forget how to feel.



They bat a fly and black their eye

with their very own limp fist.

Their lover is watching all of this

and caws “Ah! Ha! Ha! You missed!”

They wish their eye could have a yoke

and crack just like an egg.

And yellow slime could creep down their cheeks

like piss runs down your leg, (understand: embarrassment)

and I say Oh, Its not a Joke

You’ve learned the most human truth

Love is good and Love is great,

but only when its New.



They birth a baby on a blanket

at the Macy’s Day Parade

Man in charge of the Giant Garfield

offers up a trade.

They wonder how much helium

is in that orange cat,

and if their baby’s face will change

once it sheds its baby fat, (understand: looks like grandpa)

and I say Oh! You Get It Now?

You’re as real as choice is chance.

Two people who made a baby making love

lost at Russian roulette romance.



They bury the box right down the hill

It’s heavy as a stone

Wouldn’t cardboard seem more effective and light

to hold some person’s bones?

The preacher checks his watch. He says

to God, beam that soul right up!

And to let that soul eat the believer’s bread

and drink from the believer’s cup,

and I say Now, You Really Know

That Existence is a Show

Decide what brand of watch to wear.

Then, decide when it’s time to go.


– Mary Sparr

Jack White releases totally ruling video for Black Bat Licorice


Jack White released this totally ruling video to accompany the track, “Black Bat Licorice” from his latest record, Lazaretto.

While you watch (best in Google Chrome, but works in every browser I’ve used)– if you press the “3” and “B” keys, you’ll switch back and forth between 3 different edits of the video, creating your own mash-up of the final product.

Really – This video totally rules and the song totally rules — so, who cares if Jack wants a particular guacamole at every building he steps foot in?  *shrug*  I really don’t even mind if he requires a different, fresh bowl of guacamole at his barber shop, as his local Lowe’s, in public bathrooms, wherever he steps foot.  Not that you need the encouragement, but you just keep doing you, Jack.

Buy Jack’s Lazaretto : HERE.


On The Shopping List: A Landline Telephone


We’ve been thinking about getting a landline for awhile.  I won’t go into the various reasons why  which include details that are boring and blah and work-related and because of logic — but most importantly, adding a phone actually reduced our cable and internet bundle by almost $100 month.

Our cable/internet/phone dude came today to install our line.  It’s active now, but uh…we…don’t have an actual phone?  Here’s our number…call us, maybe?

So, the shopping begins.  And guess what?  There are still tons of affordable landline phone options out there for the consumer (both corded and cordless out there) and many of them totally rule!   New and vintage, here’s my shortlist of phones that we may one day be the proud landline parents of:

landline - elvis phone

  • Elvis Presley’s personal phone from his Beverly Hills Home : $16,250

Okay, so we’re obviously not buying this phone because some collector bought it for that fancy amount up there and we don’t know who.  His other GOLD phone from Graceland is also not for sale, as it is on tour itself at the O2 Arena in London.    But it’s nice to dream.   Just for cuteness sake, you should also know that if you closed this rotary phone box, Elvis – like any young lad would do – had stuck a Kenpo Karate sticker on the outside.

sagemcom phone

  • Sagemcom Sixty Orange Digital Phone w/ Answering Machine : $105.17 on Ebay.

Sagemcom (whoever they may be ) give me faith that there are still people out there that care about creating new designs for what some may consider to be “retired things” —  Love the lines, like the orange — and I’m usually wishy-washy about anything mildly tropical.  To me, this’d be a perfect in what I call our “kitsch-en.”

landline- lips

I’m not sure why I like this.  I’m not sure if I really do.  I just know that it’s shiny and the part of my 15-year-old heart that slumped at the announcement of Bonnie Bell’s closing is comforted by this phone.  Clarrissa could have explained EVEN more than she did on this baby.

landline - toilet phone

  • Toilet-Shaped Telephone : $29.99 from Ebay.

While we’re on the topic of phone that fall into the dumb category, here’s one that I’m sure we’d receive it we ever moved huts and our friends were buying us new hut-warming gifts. If we can’t have Elvis’ personal phone, maybe this is the next best thing?

landline - swiss voice

  • Swissvoice Cordless Telephone in Black : $179.98 from Amazon. (Cheaper in red and white!)

This is really the right choice.  Sleek.  Simple.  Rules.  This is the phone you get shit done on.  This is the phone you close deals on.  This is the phone you order a pizza and additionally — one of those unforgettable chocolate lava cakes on.   This is the phone that forgives nobody and nothing.  This is your phone.

landline - hulk hogan

  • Vintage WCW Hulk Hogan Nascar Phone : $25.99 from Ebay.

If you’re reading this and want this phone, you might as well not even click that link because I’m so buying it.  The only problem?  My boyfriend Jon – who would be the recipient of such a grand communication device – was the psycho type of kid who doesn’t open stuff and likes to keep it pristine…..in…the…package.  He’s now that psycho adult that has the same behavior.  We’ll have this phone, but it may never, ever ring.  Kind of a metaphor there– like how Hulk likely won’t “ring” again, either.  I’m terrible.

Got a landline you’ve peeked on, vintage or new, that I might want instead?  Holler.  Think landlines are dumb as shit and we are actually stupid overzealous hipsters? Thanks.  Are you in the same boat as us and upgraded to lower your monthly bill with TWC?  *Hug of solidarity*  Too many people have your cell phone number, but you can’t turn off a handful of important people and thus need a secret batphone to prove you’re alive to the inner circle while you 2pac everyone else?  Buy one of those nifty guys up there I suggested!